One of the worst moments in my life is the shattering of dreams. But it's been a while, and at home after work, after the night's dream-come-true home-cooked dinner, here it comes again, not the shattering part but recollection of old and new ones.
Above deviantart picture entails almost exactly how it felt sometimes when i was driving home from work, sitting in church with closed eyes, jogging around the stadium at dawn, and lying down on the sofa at home. The tremendous sense of belittling awe, or a relaxing one. And also how it felt sometimes after a long day of work in the past, back to a quiet dark condo seeing the stars struggling to light up itself distinctly against the city sky, like myself. There is rest, there is a little fear, there is some hope, some darkness, light, there is beauty, dullness, past, present and yeah - future. reality rich in imagination. Like a dream. like a dreamer.
Do I still continue to hold on to the old ones, like the one i had since about 15, of sitting on the drum stool on a huge elevated stage in a open air christian concert at dusk, playing with such passion in the oblivion of tens of thousands worshipers singing holy. Or the little, already destroyed ones, of leading a wonderful inspiring cell group of 13, 14 year-olds, grooming them into well-matured leaders that will rock the world.
there are also more reality based ones like holding a paper creased into a roll, holding my head confidently with a squarish hat with a short line hanging back down like a crystalised short stream of tears (of hardwork & trepidation). Or the fulfillment of all artistic hungry pangs as stated in the previous post.
Or at last, the simplicity of loving someone who will love back.
Time passes, some shut eyes will remain shut eyed. tastes change. Some unexpected ones came true though. Like the moment I be story-teller to a cutey little orphan girl in Cambodia, to found out that all she wants is just someone to be around her, and that the 101 Dalmatians book I read is the exact book I read as a child.
And sitting on the shallow side of the beach with no cares of the world or time, windsurfing, kayaking and snorkeling to a nearby little island. Lying on a pitch dark beach, seeing shooting stars.
And riding free along the seaside at sunset, or jazz drumming alone in dimmed yellow light at seaside. Or writing the best possible poem. Or the all-so-surprised smiles coming from colleagues, family & friends. Time well spent talking and shouldering other people's burdens. Having super great siblings whom I can pour my heart out to and trust completely, whether at home or in Melbourne. So many of them and I feel thankful. yet for now..
I dream of waking up bruised and broken in a war-torn country yet full of fiery passion and joy for other souls. I dream of backpacking nepal and cambodia. I dream having short business trips to Europe. I dream of planing across the sea at above 50km/h, really windsurfing. I dream of staying with a local family in Italy or France, to learn a different culture & lifestyle. I dream of finishing my studies and retain an open mind of continuous learning. I dream of finally being completely free to live and love fearlessly. I dream of spending the rest of the evening walking in streets of Rome with a loved one. I dream of having a beautiful wife and daughter to spend the rest of my life loving them.
so far are the dreams at 10.50pm. so much more to come when i lie down on my bed. I pray that i'll lay each it of them down at each new day to live relentlessly and un-apologetically true to myself and my God. I don't know if this is possible but it excites me. hee..
They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, and moves on with each next little steps.
